Ep. 51 The Power of Secure Attachment: Co-Regulation, Connection, and Creating Lasting Connection with Tara Boothby

As we move through midlife, many of us start reevaluating the relationships we’ve built—romantic partnerships, friendships, and even the ways we parent our children or relate to ourselves. One concept that quietly underpins all of these connections is attachment—the way we seek safety, closeness, and comfort in relationship to others.But what does it actually mean to have secure attachment? And can we cultivate it later in life, especially if we didn’t grow up with it? The answer is yes. And not only is it possible, but it may be one of the most important things we do in this season of life.

Beyond Attachment “Labels”

In recent years, terms like “anxious” or “avoidant” have become common shorthand for how we show up in relationships. While these labels can offer insight, they can also oversimplify. Attachment is fluid. We may feel secure in one relationship and guarded in another. We may find ourselves withdrawing in conflict with a partner, but overly accommodating with a friend. None of it makes us broken—it simply reflects where we've been and what we've learned to do to protect ourselves.True emotional security isn’t about fitting neatly into a category. It’s about cultivating enough safety, self-awareness, and flexibility to know when to move closer—and when to give space—without fear of abandonment or rejection.

Co-Regulation: The Science of Feeling Safe Together

One of the most powerful concepts in attachment work is co-regulation. It’s the idea that our nervous systems are wired to calm down in the presence of another safe, attuned person. This is especially relevant when we’re triggered or upset. Being with someone who can simply stay present—without fixing or judging—can bring our bodies back into a state of balance much faster than going it alone.Midlife often brings increased stress: aging parents, shifting family roles, career changes, health issues. In these moments, we don't just need advice—we need connection. And the way we connect begins with how we relate to ourselves.

Repair Over Perfection

Secure relationships aren’t free of conflict. They’re relationships where people can rupture and repair. That means someone can say the wrong thing, forget something important, raise their voice—and still come back with openness, accountability, and care. In fact, these moments of reconnection are what build trust over time. Repair can be as simple as saying, “I didn’t show up the way I wanted to earlier—I’m sorry,” or texting a friend to say, “That conversation didn’t sit right with me. Can we talk about it?” These small gestures send a powerful message: our bond matters more than being right.

Loving Yourself in the “Unmeetable” Places

Sometimes, the most painful experiences in relationships happen when we open up and aren’t met with the response we hoped for. It’s easy to want to shut down, to decide that vulnerability isn’t worth it. But often, our healing begins in those moments—when we learn to offer ourselves the empathy we were hoping to receive from someone else.Midlife invites us to reflect more deeply, to challenge old protective patterns, and to take small, meaningful risks toward connection. One of the bravest things we can do is show up with our truth, even if it’s not perfectly received. And one of the most healing things we can learn is how to stay with ourselves when that happens.

If you’re interested in diving deeper into this topic, check out our full podcast conversation with Dr. Tara Boothby—an attachment-focused therapist and author of Love and Love’s Energy.

And if you're craving more connection with yourself and others, our Midlife Masterclass is designed to help you build emotional resilience, deepen self-trust, and create the life you actually want—on your terms.

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