Ep. 46 The People Pleasing Trap: Why It's Holding You Back and How to Stop

Are you the one always saying “Sure, whatever works for you,” even when it doesn’t? Do you take on too much, avoid conflict, or feel resentful but stay silent? That’s not kindness. That’s people pleasing—and it’s costing you more than you think. On this episode of Insights From the Couch, we dive into the roots of people pleasing, the hidden emotional toll, and how to stop abandoning yourself to keep everyone else happy.

What People Pleasing Really Looks Like

At its core, people pleasing is about avoiding discomfort. Not just keeping the peace, but keeping your own anxiety, guilt, or fear of disapproval at bay. It might sound like:

• “I don’t care, you pick.” (When you do care)

• “Sure, I’ll help.” (Even though you’re exhausted)

• “I’m fine.” (When you’re definitely not)

Most of us were conditioned—especially as women—to value being “nice,” agreeable, and selfless. But there's a difference between kindness and self-abandonment. And over time, this “good girl” conditioning can leave you feeling unseen, resentful, and depleted.

Why It’s So Hard to Stop

People pleasing usually starts early. Maybe you learned to smooth over conflict to keep your family calm, or maybe approval and love were tied to performance and agreeableness. Even strong, confident women fall into this trap in their closest relationships. You might feel comfortable expressing opinions at work or with strangers but go quiet in a romantic relationship or with a parent out of fear you’ll rock the boat.

The Emotional Toll

Chronic people pleasing leads to:

• Resentment and emotional exhaustion

• Foggy self-awareness (“What do I even want?”)

• A slow erosion of confidence and authenticity

• Physical symptoms from unexpressed stress

You become like The Giving Tree—cutting off your own branches for others until you’re just a stump!

How to Start Breaking Free

It takes practice to unlearn people pleasing. Here’s how to begin:

1. Start Small (and Safe)Practice asserting your needs in the relationships where you feel most secure.

2. Buy Yourself TimeIf you tend to say yes reflexively, pause. Say, “Let me check my calendar” or “I’ll get back to you.”

3. Write It Out FirstNot sure how to say it? Journal your feelings. Draft a message. Use assertiveness frameworks like:   “When you ____, I feel ____, and I need ____.”

4. Be Clear and KindAssertiveness isn’t aggression. It’s directness with warmth. Try:   “Thanks for asking, but I’m not available.”  

“I wish I could help, but I can’t take that on right now.”

5. Reflect and ReframeThink of someone you love—a child, a close friend. Would you want them to abandon themselves to please others?

Clean Boundaries Create Clean Relationships

The fear is that saying “no” or setting limits will damage your relationships. But the opposite is usually true. Real connection requires honesty. When you stop over-functioning and start speaking your truth, the right people will respect it—and the wrong ones will make themselves known. As Laura shared in the episode, “Agreeableness is a survival strategy—but it’s not a long-term solution.” And as Colette reminded us, “Midlife is the perfect time to stop being nice and start being real.”

Ready to Begin?

🎧 Listen to the full episode at insightsfromthecouch.org

📝 Take the Psychology Today People Pleasing Test—we’ve linked it on our website💬 And if you loved this episode, leave us a review or share with a friend who needs to hear it