%20(1)%20copy.png)
Most of you know that I have a podcast with my friend and colleague Colette Fehr. Recently we did an impromptu episode on what makes a good mother. We have all been mothered to one degree or another in this room. Some of us have had the privilege to be loved richly and deeply, while others of us are left with some version of a mother wound—a sensitive place where many of our needs went unnoticed, unmet, invalidated, or worse.
What I’ve learned from having a mother and being a mother is that there are certain things that don’t really matter (like how much stuff you can buy them) and things that absolutely do matter. Let me share the top 3 things that Colette and I think are essential.
From here on out I’m going to use the term parent rather than mother because I think these qualities apply to all caregivers.
The first and maybe most important is that being a good parent requires you to stay in the position of parent. Care and concern flow from the parent to the child and does not require reciprocation. Children did not ask to be born. The moment that the child senses the parent can’t be trusted or relied on the child starts attuning to the parent as the parent is not properly attuned to the child. The frame is broken. The child is now monitoring the parent, checking in on the parent, pleasing the parent, and the roles reverse. There are so many reasons this happens (parents can be overwhelmed and under-resourced, depressed, addicted, or narcissistic) but when the child starts caring for the parent something fundamental is lost.
While my father was not one for many words, he never broke the frame. It was my dad who would sit with me if I had a bad dream or drive 3 hours in a snowstorm when I was stranded at an airport. Even as he lay dying in the hospital he said, “go home Laura you have young kids to take care of.” Even then he couldn’t help but place my needs over his own-- as he was the parent.
The second thing good parents do is that they parent through what Dr. Becky Kennedy calls “sturdy leadership”. Sturdy leadership is warm, and firm and it does not rely on criticism, judgment, harshness or shame. As the marriage therapist Terry Reel says, “There is no redeeming value in harshness, there is nothing that harshness does that loving firmness doesn’t do better.” And as Jo Frost (the supernanny) adds there are no benefits to authoritarian parents (my way or the highway parenting) she says that those children will start to hide, and they grow up in fear rather than love. Parenting through criticism and shame are the quickest way to contaminate your relationship with a child. Children who grow up being criticized and shamed fear being seen in the world. This doesn’t mean that the good parent is a pushover and doesn’t teach or have boundaries, but they do so without putting the child down.
Next, good parents are curious and enthusiastic about the child they have, not the one they hoped to have. They meet the child where they are and give the child the felt sense that their inner world is infinitely interesting. It’s the parents who have the child who is obsessed with vacuums and throw a vacuum themed birthday party, or the parents that let their children put together outfits of cowboy boots and princess costumes for trips to the store that understand the assignment. If you have ever seen the video of Milo, the 6 year old British boy who is excited to tell his mother about the part he got in the nativity play you can see this modeled beautifully. Milo tells his mother that he got a “classic part in the nativity” she tries to guess was it Joseph one of the 3 wisemen? No, says Milo he got door holder number 3, he was going to be holding doors! To which his mother says “That’s amazing! were you quite pleased?” Milo goes on to tell her he will likely have to wear brown for the show. He is literally part of the scenery and his mother joins with his enthusiasm without missing a beat. And while no one is going to save a child from the cruel contingencies of the real world—the parent should be their one true cheerleader… Communicating I see you; I get you, and you are always welcome to be exactly who you are with me.
Finally, I asked my own kids what makes a good mother/parent and my 17-year-old son mentioned “food security” which is code for please keep grocery shopping. My 22-year-old daughter said that a good parent is one that prioritizes their own needs not in a selfish way but in a way that enables them to be their best self. They both said that a good parent is one that fundamentally likes themselves. Because let’s be honest the fish rots from the head and if a parent doesn’t like themselves, they can’t attune, they can’t lead, and they can’t love.
So, Winter Park toastmasters, let's do something radical to change the world and give the ones we care for the kind of love that matters most.